Food For Thought

I recently moved to the metro D.C. area to expand my career opportunities and work with people from all over the world. I have a home and a spouse in Pittsburgh. I am married to a massage therapist who moonlights as a professional space organizer. This is every bit awesome as you might imagine. I live in a lovely, light filled efficiency apartment where the person who knows all my quirks and proclivities has helped me arrange all 500 square feet to meet my needs, and everything I need is only a few steps away. Which is why I was surprised this morning to see that I am still gravitating toward working on my dining room table, instead of at my desk in my home office all of twenty feet away. 

I sat down to the dining room table with my morning cup of coffee and put pen to a remnant of white packing paper that had been wrapped around some new purchase for the apartment. My day and week unfurled across one side of the sheet and then over to the other. People, places, tasks; part idea parking lot, part compilation of to-do lists. I took a couple of phone calls, scheduled a lunch date, and noticed that my desk was a repository for papers and a holder of pens, but the real work was getting done at the dining room table, the space in which so many endeavors - breakfast, lunch, and dinner - come to fruition to be savored sometimes alone, but more memorably with friends and family.

I think it is those memories that season the space of the dining room table. With memories of friends and family I feel fortified even after hours with my head bowed low and fingers flying or faltering over the keyboard. The jar of oatmeal bars and the bowl of fruit within arms' reach don't hurt either. Journeys of the mind are made solo, whether inward for writing or outward for job hunting, bill paying, or into the treacherous waters of requesting customer service. I take heart beginning and ending each journey at the place where memories of my kindred spirits will find me, in time for dinner.

Remember This

God speaks to each of us as [s]he makes us
then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like flame
and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.


~Rainer Maria Rilke~


from: Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems to God. Translated by Anita Barrows and Joanna Macy. Thank you to www.panhala.net for posting this translation. 

Of Vikings and Victims

Toward the end of my first month in law school I called my spouse, who is both captain of my cheerleading squad and the daughter of an attorney, and said, "It's not that law school turns people into assholes; it's that a certain type of asshole is drawn to law school."

If you're not a lawyer, this is probably not a surprise to you. But looking around the room as a budding young attorney in law school - seeing how formulaic we were - was as uncomfortable as the first time I heard the sound of my own voice on a recording.

What struck me as "being an asshole" Dr. Brene Brown calls the "Viking or Victim" mentality, the belief that: 

[E]veryone without exception belongs to one of two mutually exclusive groups: Either you're a Victim in life - a sucker or a loser who's always being taken advantage of and can't hold your own - or you're a Viking - someone who sees the threat of being victimized as a constant, so you stay in control, you dominate, you exert power over things, and you never show vulnerability. (Daring Greatly, page 152). 

As one attorney put it, "The world is divided into assholes and suckers. It's that simple." The attorneys Dr. Brown interviewed attributed their worldview to "values they had been taught growing up, the experience of surviving hardships, or their professional training." She thinks that most people who hold this worldview seek out professions in which this is the predominant view (rather than that the professional training creates the worldview).  

The technical term for this mentality is "zero-sum;" one person's win is necessarily someone else's loss. The zero-sum game becomes a seamlessly self-perpetuating phenomenon that takes on the appearance of an objective and inevitable reality. The attorneys whom Dr. Brown interviewed discussed "high-risk behaviors, divorces, disconnection, loneliness, addiction, anger, [and] exhaustion." She noted, "[R]ather than seeing these behaviors and negative outcomes as consequences of their Viking-or-Victim worldview, they perceived them as evidence of the harsh win-or-lose nature of life."   

People who are "vulnerability intolerant" may do hand to hand combat with deadly levels of stress. Suicide is one of the leading causes of death among attorneys. A 1997 study of attorneys in the United States and Canada by the Legal Profession Assistance Council (LPAC) determined that "the death rate by suicide among lawyers is six times the suicide rate of the general population." 

People inclined to take a zero-sum approach to their own existence are not in the best position to notice the tenderness of others and craft a proportionate response. An attorney might not have the clear sight to know whether she's crossed over from prosecution to persecution.

I have thought about this each time I've heard the phrase "prosecutorial over-reach" used to describe the circumstances surrounding the death of Aaron Swartz, who was charged with 13 felonies and faced the prospect of incarceration for having hacked into the MIT computer system and downloaded  from JSTOR millions of academic articles that many students want never to read. The public details of his situation appear more cut and dried than those of former prodigy Jonathan James, who ended his life rather than face another round of federal prosecution and incarceration. Each man was in his twenties, isolated, suffered from depression, and known to be incredibly talented and compelled to hack. 

I hesitated to sign the petition calling for the removal of U.S. District Attorney Carmen Ortiz, who along with Stephen Heymann some hold responsible for the death of Aaron Swartz. I don't want to shoot the messenger or join a mob calling for someone's head. I do believe in personal responsibility, which in Ms. Ortiz's career is coupled with professional responsibility in the form of prosecutorial discretion. There may be more to the case than I am privy to as a member of the general public but the truth is that one of the few forces that will rebuke a prosecutor is a public scandal. For there to be a public scandal, there must be a public scandalized. And so I signed the petition.

Daddy Issues

I realize that I am pregnant, and I have to tell my spouse.

This is my reoccurring nightmare.

Nature has a longstanding tradition of cuckolding, in which the female fools her mate into providing for the offspring of another man. Ethics aside, even in my wildest dreams this is not an option; I am married to a very smart woman.

In this nightmare my freefalling feeling of terror starts with the panic of having to reveal my failing to my spouse; I slide into the claustrophobic panic of having tied together forever myself, my child, my spouse, and some random guy; and then I wake up, heart pounding.

I wonder if William Marotta wakes up in a panic, heart pounding, the financial obligations that anchor him to his daughter giving him a sinking feeling. In all honesty, I hope so. There’s power in an object lesson, and we’ll be paying for this failing with greater frequency unless we get our state law makers and courts to do the right thing.

Three years ago, Angela Bauer and Jennifer Schreiner placed an advertisement on Craiglist looking for someone to donate sperm, and William Marotta obliged. These three adults privately agreed that William would walk away with no obligation to support the child and no right to parent the child; the two women would share the responsibility to provide for and the right to raise the child. They signed a contract to this effect.

Jennifer gave birth to William’s biological daughter. From the news reports I gather that Angela has not adopted the little girl, who is now three years old.

At the time they struck this deal, Angela and Jennifer had been together for eight years and adopted children. In a traditional division of labor, Angela worked outside the home while Jennifer worked as a SAHM. Like many families, Angela and Jennifer have since separated but still parent together.

Now Angela has an illness that prevents her from working. Jennifer turned to the Kansas Department of Children and Families (DCF) to get health insurance for the daughter William fathered. DCF is required by law to establish paternity and pursue child support from the noncustodial parent, in this case William. DCF demanded that Jennifer provide the name of the “sperm donor” as a condition for the state to provide health insurance.

William has spent over $10,000 and 10% of his income in legal fees to fight the state’s pursuit for child support. He has filed a motion to have the case dismissed, and the hearing is January 8^th in Shawnee County District Court. He said DCF’s pursuit of child support from him, rather than from Angela, is a political move in a “Republican state.” He said he’s not surprised by the national media attention his case is receiving, because “it combines the social issues of same-sex couples, adoptions and sperm donor rights … [i]ssues that to me, being left of center, are something that I am kind of involved with and interested in.”

Here’s what’s weird. The Kansas legislature recently passed statute 23-2208(f), which allows parents to contract away the rights of a child before the child is born if the child is conceived, by a woman who is not the sperm donor’s wife, through artificial insemination with the assistance of a physician.

William and Jennifer did not use a physician’s services. William’s biological relationship to his offspring and the legal technicality allow DCF to pursue William to pay for the financial support his biological daughter needs.

Here’s what stinks: If William and Jennifer had conceived with the assistance of a physician, then DCF would not be able to sue William for child support.

Here’s the reason why that stinks: When the Kansas legislature enacted statute 23-2208(f), it turned a group of children into second class citizens by unilaterally stripping them of the right to be supported by their natural family because of how they were conceived.

Here’s where I stand on my soapbox as a loving gay woman and an attorney and declare: this is not a gay-parenting issue. This is not a contract issue. This is a civil rights issue. Laws like Kansas statue 23-2208(f) deprive children of their right to due process protection under the law.

The Fifth Amendment of the United States Constitution, in a portion known as “the takings clause” declares, “No person shall be... deprived of …liberty, or property, without due process of law…” The Fourteenth Amendment provides what is known as the Due Process Clause, which Wikipedia succinctly explains: “where an individual is facing a deprivation of life, liberty, or property, procedural due process mandates that he or she is entitled to adequate notice, a hearing, and a neutral judge.”

Children have a liberty right to a relationship with biological family, and a property right in the financial support that children often receive from family members. Certainly there are times when it is in a child’s best interests to sever ties with biological family. Although adoption laws vary by state, it is an established norm that the government will not randomly or impersonally deny a child’s liberty by taking away a child’s legal rights to receive support from biological family, without due process.

The American Academy of Adoption Attorneys notes:

It has long been recognized that children are persons with rights protected by the United States Constitution. In re Gault, 387 U.S. 1, 13 (1967) (stating that "neither the Fourteenth Amendment nor the Bill of Rights is for adults alone"). The realm of personal family life is a fundamental interest protected by the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. See, e.g., Santosky v. Kramer, 455 U.S. 745, 753 (1982) (there is an "historical recognition that freedom of personal choice in matters of family life is a fundamental liberty interest protected by the Fourteenth Amendment"); Smith v. City of Fontana, 818 F.2d 1411 (9th Cir. 1987) (stating that a child's interest in continued companionship and society of parents is a cognizable liberty interest); Spielman v. Hildebrand, 873 F.2d 1377 (10th Cir. 1989) (adoptive parents, like biological parents, have a fundamental liberty interest in the familial relation). This fundamental right belonging to both parents and children also has been explicitly recognized by states other than California. See, e.g., Reist v. Bay Circuit Judge, 241 N.W.2d 55, 62 (Mich. 1976) (holding that the rights of parent and child in their "fundamental human relationship" are encompassed within the term "liberty"); Espinoza v. O'Dell, 633 P.2d 455 (Colo. 1981) (recognizing liberty interest in mutual relationship between child and parent). (Some citations omitted.)

Although laws vary by state, children who are adopted have the rights and responsibilities of one or both of their parents severed only after legal proceedings regarding what is in the child’s best interests. The Legal Information Institute of Cornell University School of Law notes:

[An] individual cannot petition for adoption unless the court makes an official finding that the individual is “acceptable” as an adoptive parent. Before an adoption becomes official, the court must pass upon an investigatory report submitted by the state agency that the individual qualifies as “acceptably suitable” for becoming an adoptive parent. These investigatory reports are tremendously detailed, including the petitioners’ religious backgrounds, social history, financial status, moral fitness, mental and physical fitness, and criminal background. After weighing the factors, the agency makes a recommendation, which the court can accept or reject, with the court basing its decision on serving the best interests and welfare of the child.

Key to this process is that the court considers the needs of the child. In contrast, a statute that denies an entire group of people of their liberty and property rights before they’re born, and a contract that signs away the rights of a child who has not been born cannot truly determine what is in the best interests of someone who does not yet exist but who will later sink or float under the weight of these legal entanglements.

I hope that Kansas DCF wins the court case to collect child support from William, rather than leaving the people of Kansas to foot the bill for his foolishness.

The next step is to have the good people of Kansas ask their legislators to amend 23-2208 to remove section (f), which strips a child of the right to be supported by a biological parent without the due process protections afforded to children who are adopted and to other U.S. citizens. 

~~~~

Note: I obtained facts about the child support case from two articles, by John Hanna of Associated Press and by Tim Hrenchir of The Capital-Journal, respectively. 

Facades

I'm working in an office located next to the J. Edgar Hoover building, a squat, joyless concrete monolith. I find myself hoping that, like it's namesake, the building is flashier behind closed doors.

Personal and Political - From China to the U.S., and Back

I have taken my professional journey and personal values to a crossroads where I am considering moving abroad for work. To begin to understand the lay of the land regarding refugee and asylum issues, as well as teaching opportunities, I interviewed a friend who teaches English as a Foreign Language. She has befriended many of her former students, and recently received a request from a student in China who is studying "Homosexuality in America." I was able to repay my friend's kindness by answering the questions of her former student.


Her questions and my answers are topical to many issues at the forefront of current U.S. politics. I know that personal stories influence public perception, and can therefore influence political outcomes, so I have shared our exchange below. Although I have gone outside of my comfort zone, I have also redacted some portions of my answers in light of what feels appropriate to share with a broader audience.


I have changed the interviewer's words only as needed to transform the text from texting slang to more spell-check friendly formal English.

  1.      When exactly did you come to realize your sexual orientation? Does it comes naturally or something triggered you to realize it?

I was 19 years old when I realized that I had been in love with a woman I had met 9 months earlier, on the first day of college. The chemistry was immediate - I thought she was beautiful, brilliant, funny, and kind. Although I was an award winning public speaker, I felt stupid and tongue-tied. When that first class was over, I did not want her to leave. We became friends, and when we would hug goodbye, I did not want to let go. She was the only "out" lesbian on campus, back in 1992. I had a boyfriend. 

[She] decided to withdraw from school, and she was also moving away for the summer. I felt unbearable panic at the thought that I would never see her again. I wrote her a long letter detailing my pain at the thought that I would never see her again. Then I wrote her detailed directions to my house. We had our first date in June 1993. Our relationship lasted almost a year. 

[After we broke up] I began dating a wonderful woman I met at a coffee shop. We have been together for almost 18 years, and we got married in Canada shortly before I went to law school. The marriage has no legal standing in the United States, but it means a great deal to me.  

  2.       Any hard feelings such stressed, disappointed and angry when you realize your sexual orientation?

No. I did panic about what to wear on our first date, and about what it would be like to kiss a girl. We each wore khaki shorts and a green top. The first kiss was good enough to get a second date.

  3.       What do you think is the most important thing that makes you hold on to it despite all the obstacles?

I faced many challenges as a child, including the death of a sibling, a betrayal of trust by [an extended] family member, and fights at grade school. Through it all, my parents taught me to respect myself, stand up for what I believe, tell the truth, and take responsibility for my choices. This is the foundation of my personal integrity.

In grade school, I also learned about the Holocaust in Eastern Europe, and the Trail of Tears, the Japanese-American Internment Camps, and the civil rights movement in the United States. I learned that following orders and trying to go unnoticed in the hope of escaping persecution does not guarantee safety.

When I was taunted in grade school, I experienced first-hand that living a life of hiding in fear is a miserable life. I found freedom and relief in fighting back. I would never throw the first punch, but my father taught me how to throw the last punch. My mother had been the captain of her Catholic high school's debate team, but later left the Catholic Church. She taught me how to fight back with rational thinking, well chosen words, and impeccable timing. 

My parents modeled for me what it looks like to live life with the courage of your convictions. My father was a conscientious objector from the Vietnam War, and as a consequence he was required to move from his home in New York to Pennsylvania to serve his country through public service at a school for children with learning disabilities. When my father moved, my mother married him and moved with him. 

When I was a child, my mother petitioned the local school board to allow the school bus to pick us up from the bus stop closest to our child care facility, instead of near our house, as the school's policy required. A school board member told her that if she was a good mother, she would stay home and spend the day with her children, instead of going to work. She told him he was a “sexist pig.” She got the school board to change its policy, not just for us, but for everyone. When my father’s employer laid off all the workers, my mother supported our family. If my mother had stayed home instead of challenging the way things were done, we could have lost our home.

I am a Caucasian woman and I was raised by two college-educated parents, in a safe, middle class suburban community, with an excellent free education. I benefit from enormous privilege and opportunity. I have experienced discrimination, ignorance, and hatred, and I face them head on in part to honor the people who have born the brunt of discrimination before me, and "pay it forward" for those people who have fewer opportunities to influence change, and for those who come after me.

  4.       It's said that gay people have this "radar" that can help them identify the homosexual; to what extent do you agree or disagree?

I have lousy gaydar for queer women. I always have. In addition, most people assume I am straight.

I find it easy to spot gay men. My best friend does not.

My best friend is a straight woman, and she has excellent gaydar for women. Many gay women assume she is gay and will flirt with her in public - even at the grocery store - while ignoring me. She has long blonde hair and large blue eyes, and was a ballerina, so she does not fit the stereotype of what "looks like" a lesbian.

  5.       What is the most disturbing stereotype of the homosexual to you?

I was disturbed by the trend of depicting queer people in fiction books and films only as suicidal, criminal, or insane. I am glad that queer people are now represented with more diversity and humanity.

I used to laugh at the cultural stereotype of lesbians as women who drink a lot of herbal tea and have a house full of cats. Now I drink a lot of tea, and I have three cats. I am allergic to cats. 

  6.       What’s your opinion about homophobia? 

I am sad that people jump so quickly from ignorance, to fear, to hatred, instead of shifting from ignorance to inquiry even in the face of feeling fear.

Writer Rachel Held Evans has done an excellent job of addressing this in two recent blog posts about Christianity, "How To Win A Culture War and Lose a Generation," and "From Waging War to Washing Feet: How Do We Move Forward?"

  7.       Will you vote for President Obama for his recent announcement that he’s in support of marriage equality ?

Yes. I would have voted for President Obama even if he had not voiced his support, but now I will volunteer for him, too. I was honored to serve as a "poll watcher" for 12 hours on the day of the election in which he was voted in as President. It was one of the longest and best days of my life. 

Done!